A Year of Finding the Feeling

Years ago, I was happy snapping away with my trusty point and shoot camera capturing all those little milestones of my young kids. After my third child was born, I was determined to take better pictures. I wanted more, I just didn’t know what. Before my fourth entered the world I obtained my first SLR camera. I didn’t take it off of auto much, but I was sure it was the key to my success. I had one goal, to take pictures with a blurry background. I didn’t know what they called that, but it looked cool. It was what set professional looking pictures from just snapshots in my mind. With that goal in mind, I shot away. I read my manual, got online to read, and slowly..very slowly my pictures started to get better.

I finally switched my camera off of auto and ventured into the world of manual. I felt like I had taken two steps backwards for every step forward. I was frustrated, but slowly getting it. My pictures got that blurry background I had started out to have, but still there was something missing. I had these great pictures in my mind that I just couldn’t seem to execute.

One night while reading on one of my favorite photography websites, I came across a photographer that I had long sense admired. I went to her personal website, and was in awe. I sat looking at picture after picture crying. This was what I wanted to capture. This was what I could see in my mind, but couldn’t seem to express through my lens. There was feeling.

I can remember the exact picture that was the kicker. It was a shot of a young boy about Austin’s age, with a cape proudly tied around his neck, sword in hand, trudging off through a field determined to live life. He wasn’t looking straight at the camera, he didn’t have a perfect smile on, in fact you couldn’t even see most of his face…but there was feeling. I sat looking at that picture feeling like that was my boy. That was how I wanted to remember him. With his shorts and cowboy boots on, being a little boy, playing with all the little boy vigor he had in him. That was what I wanted. To capture those moments that I never wanted to forget.

And so, my journey continued. I realized that to get that I was going to have to work hard. Very hard. I couldn’t expect to get those results with luck alone. I needed to really know how to use my camera. After almost 4 years of doing just that, I can finally say that I know my camera. I know the basics. I am confident to say, I know more than the basics, but lately I feel like I am back at square one.

I feel like I have hit a plateau of sorts. My pictures seem to all look the same to me. They lack something, I just can’t seem to put my finger on what it is. After months of pondering, it occurred to me that for a while I have been so concerned with making sure that each picture was technical right, (was the focus where I wanted it to be, was the lighting how I wanted it, was the shot framed right) that I haven’t given myself the room to grow outside of that.

I can now see that the technical part of my journey is ending, though there is always more to learn-that journey will never really end, and that the journey to find my creativity needs to begin. I need to find me. I feel like I need to go back to why I wanted to make beautiful  photographs  in the first place. In hopes of finding that, I have been asking myself these questions:

Who or what do I enjoy taking pictures of?

What do I like about my personal style right now?

What do I wish my pictures had that they lack?

Are there technical areas that are holding me back?

What are consistent mistake I see with my pictures?

Is there something my pictures have that make them “mine”? Could someone look at one of my pictures and say, “That’s a Monae.”

What are things I consistently do when planning a shot?

Do I hesitate to capture a moment because the lighting (or setting, or angle,etc.) is not “right” ?

Do I shoot enough?

When is the last time I was excited to download my pictures and see what was there? Why was I so excited?

Are my pictures predictable? Am I okay with that?

Do I lack the equipment to achieve my goals?

If I were to go blind today, what would I long to see a picture of? Do I know how to capture that?

The biggest question that I already knew the answer to was, “Do my pictures lack feeling?”  Yes.

That’s what I want. Feeling. I want to look at a photograph that I have created and not have to say a word. The picture will speak for itself. It will tell the story. It will make those who see it….  feel it. That is my goal this year. It is my year of finding the feeling. It’s my year to find myself as a photographer.

I am planning on taking pictures more often. I would like to say everyday..and I will for my own family snap shot pictures that document the traditions, and vacations, and events that make up our life. For this journey though, I will just say more often, ..and then I will post them here. I will critique them in hopes of nailing down what I need to work on. My hope is that by the end of the year I will have been able to see my pictures, my style, evolve. At first I think that I might get frustrated that the change isn’t there, but this is a journey. My journey. My year to find the feeling.